The Guilt Trap

23 Feb 2025

I read a post from a parenting account on Instagram which started with a quote: “The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents.”

Is there some truth in this? Yes, I’m sure there is. Is this also a sure-fire way to send a struggling parent into a guilt-driven spiral of self-blame? Yup, it sure is. I have been there.

I am all for emphasising the need to focus on connection over control. However, I don’t believe in letting parents believe that it’s their lack of ability to connect with their children which is causing unwanted behaviours.

Children are designed to push boundaries; it’s their job. It is how they figure out how the world works; what’s OK and what’s not. They don’t know that’s the reason they are doing it; it’s just how we humans are wired. If you have a child who is not cooperating with you, you don’t necessarily have a connection issue. You have a human with a brain that is still developing: you have a child.

What frustrates me is that it’s very possible to help parents discover ways to better connect with their children without first making them feel like they are currently doing something wrong. I feel that posts like these are thinly veiled guilt traps which make parents feel like it’s all their fault things aren’t going smoothly, that they must be terrible parents who are ruining their children and the only way to make it better is to pay someone else to give them better parenting strategies and make it all go away.

I love that there is a trend nowadays of parents really showing up for their children, wanting to nurture their growing minds with a more positive approach compared to generations gone by (generally speaking). Unfortunately, on the flip side is the sentiment that if you get it wrong, you’re going to mess your child up, which leaves us parents incredibly scared and vulnerable.

The irony is that this fear can be destabilising, which is exactly what a child does NOT need. Children need their parents to be kind and empathetic, yes, but they also need us to be strong; to “be the CEO”.

Let me be clear, I’m not trying to shame anyone who decides to sign up for a parenting course. I’ve taken one myself, and I’m now trained in delivering it! They can be very useful in building up confidence and giving parents more tools in their parenting toolkit.

Similarly, I’m not saying that all challenging behaviour is ‘just’ boundary pushing and a natural part of development we need to simply accept. Children are all wired differently and all carry their own quirks, and different challenges require different strategies. Not to mention issues which require specialist help (learning difficulties, neurodivergence, eating disorders, to name a few).

It just rattles me when I see social media marketing strategies capitalising on parents’ fear of messing up, letting them feel they are to blame instead of offering help in a way which is genuine and compassionate.

Rant over!