Today, I Didn’t Shout.
Written 18 July 2024
My brain is empty.
All out of ideas.
How am I supposed to think of some clever strategy to get us on the same page when you’ve just hit and kicked me for the fifth time in 20 minutes. If you were angry or upset I think I could handle it, but you’re laughing. It’s like you’re taunting me. You’re almost begging me to break.
I’m suppressing my shouts, I’m breathing deep. I’m talking through what is happening and explaining to you with as much respect for you as I can muster. I tell you I’m not going to shout, and I implore you to calm down by sitting you in my lap, making eye contact, breathing with you, talking slowly and quietly.
The cycle repeats and eventually it’s too much. But today, I don’t shout. I say I need to take 5 minutes, so I’m going to get daddy to come and be with you while I calm down. Daddy obliges, asking me “is it bed time?” His innocent question pushes me over the edge, as you run around my legs following me to where I was supposed to be having some space. I bubble over: “I can’t answer any questions right now!”
Daddy leads you away as I sit with my thoughts. I’ve done enough reflection over these past weeks to know that what this behaviour masks is your need for connection. I think back on the day, was I distracted, distant? Did we have enough good times? Was I too busy with your little sister? Cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner? Was it that 20 mins I took for myself to exercise while you watched a film with Daddy? Should I have joined you instead?
Maybe on another day I would have found the mental strength to distract you out of this spell, found a way to direct your energy. But I don’t feel like it today. This is too much. I’m not that mum right now. My mind is too busy processing my triggers and trying to squash the outbursts that feel like they’re burning a hole in my forehead, desperate to erupt through words of rage.
I almost want to feel guilty but how can I feel guilty when I feel like I’m already giving so much? I’m at a loss.
But despite all of this, I’ll keep trying. I’ll strategise as I put you to bed tonight, after we’ve talked and hugged and kissed goodnight. I’ll think about what I would do differently next time, so that next time maybe I’ll handle it better.
But I’ve accomplished something: today, I didn’t shout.
